loved this feather.. the trail that follows....... like life... piece of us left behind.. reminders of who we once were.... mb still are.. just a concrete formation of being..... and the trail... the direction from where we came.. or the one where we are going......... i kind of feel like this too..... and it’
s good.. i cant see too far ahead of me... but i know i hope to blaze a trail.... with heart, curiosity, and fortitude.... hope to meet many of you along the way..................
no one puts baby in the corner
when i first look at this photo.. i see the obvious.... the big bold black boxes and the opposing linear black figure......
but when i think about it...sit with it.. and look ..... and feel it... there are so many more layers... isolation...... loneliness.... being placed in the corner.... or the feeling of being put in the corner... or just plain feeling cornered..... not in a physical threatened sense..... but mb just being unseen, unheard....... pushed out of vision...... or frozen........unable to move in one direction or the other.... similar, but clearly different choices... Black box up on one side.. but on the bottom on the other.. (same but different) a decision maybe..
and then of course as my friend reminded me from the movie Dirty Dancing...... “no one puts baby in the corner” and boy does that resonate with me..
how do we say goodbye?
how do we say goodbye...put things in place, mentally and emotionally..........
Parents gone..but the house didn’t sell right away and I almost stood there in defiance, sort of keeping me feeling like they were still here... even as i know they were not......
but.. the house sold, tomorrow is closing .... and we (mostly me) had four weeks to empty, go through things.. get an estate sale done, fix anything and get out....... i was ready for this. it’s time. closure is needed... life goes on....and for the most part i have worked hard and with a good attitude and spirit, but also really learning about death, grieving..letting go... frailty ....... but more so about the meaning of life.. a life well- lived.. our lives.. sounds very trite.. it’s true...
it’s not the loss of a house..it’s just a house, or even my parents... it’s looking through years of things... objects. clothing, dinnerware, music, books,photos, letters, art..... things you remember so clearly from babyhood.. through adulthood... it’s like a film screening through the generations...... memories shared... history... that is what is passing..and is so very profound.... you hold on to what you remember, but shared memories are much richer.... because we hold onto different pieces of the story and they complete the picture..
i guess thats one of the reasons i am passionate about photography... to document.. to remind us.. i can go back from when i started to shoot images... to now .. and i can see the history, remember the anectodal histories....my own progression.......
i feel a bit sad today.. tomorrow is the day. but i am also ready.. the ending of an era...
i often wonder if some of the belongings, given, thrown away, images , there were 1000’s .. have about twenty boxes to go through.. but some are being thrown out...... will the end up in the flea markets i go to... the same kinds of things i look through and wonder about who they belonged to
i have so so much to be grateful for and I AM and im looking to today, tomorrow... and the future.....a new part of my life that has yet to be lived ..
so i say goodbye house.. parents.. last place of residence.. i will see you in my heart and mind as i already do... and as long as i , my brothers and your grandchildren live.. you will be alive through us....I love you and i hope we make you proud
grandma’s last cookie
Grandma’ s Last Cookie
my grandmother has been gone for atleast 45 years !!! yet here remains entombed her very last cookie........ oatmeal ... in a glass box found on a shelf in her home.
always when you walked into her apartment in NYC there was a plate of oatmeal cookies on the dining room table, for her adoring husband, but more importantly for anyone that happened to stop by and visit.. ( she was always wanting her three sons and grandchildren to come visit- which we often did on weekends..my whole early childhood)
My brother, the forever curator upon cleaning out her space together said to me..." I’m going to save grandmas last cookie"... and we put it in this box.. Brilliant! and here all these years later when I’m at his home i look at it and it brings back so many memories.. and amazes me that it has not disintegrated.. and still remains
we all have so many shared memories... momentos that remind us.. make us feel warm inside..... as we dismantle my parents home i think what i might want to retain.. what to rid.. i am at a stage of life where I’m trying to clean out a bit.. minimize... keeping that which matters to me.. not based just on value.. but meaning...
what kind of items do you have that do that for you?? i have my mothers big elton john style glasses sitting on a book shelf, my dads watch right next to it.. what i wonder are the items of my own my son will feel that way about? saying to himself.... this is my mom.
today is sunday.. always a day that feels different from the rest of the week.. quietude and nesting in the home or yard.. or out exploring or doing anything that separates it from the rest of the week...
tonight... dinner.. museum..at the museum the wonderful curator that had the vision and foresight to save grandma’s last cookie
New Series... The Vintage Postcard
working on a new series.. "the Vintage postcard"..
for years I’ve collected vintage postcards from the caribbean,..mostly jamaica and haiti.....but other islands..... and there are so many in my tin boxes and on the wall... I’ve often thought about creative ways to use them.. but also to keep them as document....
but then it came to me that it would be great to try to replicate some of my own images into a past time capsule.. bc a lot of the places i go also lend to that type of imagery....
not sure this one cuts it at all.. but it's the direction i want to go
Cancer
today someone mentioned their wife... the years that have passed since she had cancer...... and i remembered so acutely..that this was the weekend my hair starting falling out everywhere... and how stressed , afraid and uncomfortable i was... .... it was the dreaded time to shave my head
my tears are flowing.. bc i don’t really allow myself to go back and dwell on it.. i may see an image of myself.. feel a sense of surprise.. like who is that?... and just move on... i suppose i just attack it the way i did going through it.. day by day.. it sucks , feels unfair(what in life is fair?) but it’s on my plate.... i can get through it.... and I did and i still am!
But now, as i look through a portfolio i am currently working on..... and i sit with any of the images for more than a few seconds it brings me to utter tears.... painful to review.. maybe because i DID live through all that.. I DID process and share..and it feels almost surreal, shocking to me... . and while I’m not 100 % done... i am approaching a big finish line with IV treatment on May 17.. did i say...... c e l e b r a t i o n
i think it's so important to recognize and acknowledge lifes experiences fully.. whether joyful or painful.... at least for me... and.... today i am remembering that very difficult weekend one year ago......
i remember this day last year.... my son, his girlfriend and my sister in-law being here... cutting my hair slowly.. at first me even embracing it.... until i knew it was over and we really had to shave it.....so difficult seeing it all collect on the floor,, feeling like i was a concentration camp victim.. i know that sounds harsh.. but it’s how i felt.. like someone terrorized me and took off my shield.. one is never more exposed than when something like this happens to them..
The Good news.....i am forever changed and grateful...I feel lucky.... and know that every day is important to me.. that people, family and friends are cherished... that I’m open to what lays ahead for me.... Yes i am! Ready for change and experience... Bring it on!
May 17 is celebration day for me..
My Faith, Humanity
i am not a church go-er... in fact , I’m jewish, but i don’t go to temple much either... high holidays maybe......
but there is something that always draws me to those who are committed to the weekly process .... that gather.... in communities... to join together.. in dialogue... prayer.. dance.. song..... especially in the smallest of places... where the church or temple might be in some small room , or on a hill in the countryside, or a side street in a big city................. where you might never have even noticed it if you weren’t exploring to begin with..(like i do)
often i join in with singing and start swinging my arms.... i like the sense of camaraderie.. mb not the full tenets the others have.... but the basic human nature beliefs that belong to us all whether you belong to a community or are religious or not ..before you even discuss anything....... its called
humanity.. recognizable to us all...... that’s my religious calling
Look Forward, Look Back
look forward.........look back...... keep eyes straight ahead?
i often think about this in recent years where so much has happened in such a short period of time and has caused a bit of anguish and shake up in me from time to time.....
a fighter, resilient, strong when i need to be, but weak at times- on my knees too.......I’ve taken each thing as it’s come..sometimes very painful but, I’ve kept my eyes on each step forward... The Present.... trying to be in that moment....understanding each has it’s lesson..
But history..our past .. these triumphs and pains are a part of us.. to be remembered.. endured.. to process and to integrate into all that we are and may be becoming.. .
sometimes I can’t see my future..mb bc if i try to focus i cant just dial it in like i want..... but it’s there... palpable... reachable...... i have dreams.. ideas.. thoughts.. feelings for sure of how , where.. what, when, who..... but it’s like a lightening bug... on and off...... one day the light will just Shine.. and ill scoop it!
what i know...... is to walk in my life as it is - today..... day by day .. best foot forward.. as honestly, kindly, lovingly as i can.. with interest, curiosity , compassion, dignity and openesss to what i may not anticipate....
with that my future will develop, softly , gently, right before my eyes as it happens in the dark room.....you see the image coming.. first so faint at first.. then a few shifts forward and back as the liquid passes over...... and boom it begins to become clearer and clearer..... i can see it.. .
so i will look back.. remember.. learn.. integrate...it’s my history.. my story....... stay present and honest, convicted in purpose- my present life as I’m choosing to live it... ......... and look forward with arms wide open...with hopefulness, joy and happiness.........a full life ahead still unlived.....
and it sure helps I’m on a countdown.. 4 more IV Herceptin treatments after a long year in cancer treatment... day 4 going down today!!!!!! 3 more to go.. May 17 is D day.. done with IVs
I’m one very lucky girl...ever so grateful.. world are you ready for me? I ain’t going anywhere but right here!!!
love love and more love just more
