look forward, look back

look forward.........look back...... keep eyes straight ahead? 

i often think about this in recent years where so much has happened in such a short period of time and has caused a bit of anguish and shake up in me from time to time.....

a fighter, resilient, strong when i need to be, but weak at times- on my knees too.......I’ve taken each thing as it’s come..sometimes very painful but, I’ve kept my eyes on each step forward... The Present.... trying to be in that moment....understanding each has it’s lesson.. 

But history..our past .. these triumphs and pains are a part of us.. to be remembered.. endured.. to process and to integrate into all that we are and may be becoming.. . 

sometimes I can’t see my future..mb bc if i try to focus i cant just dial it in like i want..... but it’s there... palpable... reachable...... i have dreams.. ideas.. thoughts.. feelings for sure of how , where.. what, when, who..... but it’s like a lightening bug... on and off...... one day the light will just Shine.. and ill scoop it!

what i know...... is to walk in my life as it is - today..... day by day .. best foot forward.. as honestly, kindly, lovingly as i can.. with interest, curiosity , compassion, dignity and openesss to what i may not anticipate.... 

with that my future will develop, softly , gently, right before my eyes as it happens in the dark room.....you see the image coming.. first so faint at first.. then a few shifts forward and back as the liquid passes over...... and boom it begins to become clearer and clearer..... i can see it.. .

so i will look back.. remember.. learn.. integrate...it’s my history.. my story....... stay present and honest, convicted in purpose- my present life as I’m choosing to live it... ......... and look forward with arms wide open...with hopefulness, joy and happiness.........a full life ahead still unlived..... 

and it sure helps I’m on a countdown.. 4 more IV Herceptin treatments after a long year in cancer treatment... day 4 going down today!!!!!! 3 more to go.. May 17 is D day.. done with IVs

I’m one very lucky girl...ever so grateful.. world are you ready for me? I ain’t going anywhere but right here!!! 

love love and more love just more