driving down the highway

driving down the highway.. tears running incessantly down my cheeks... why? Sure im going to Sloan Kettering Cancer Hospital for my first official check up after finishing IV treatment in May..... 

but i’m the lucky one. Chemo over.. check.. Radiation over... check... Herceptin IV for a year... over... check... now just on an oral medicine for several years........

but it’s the memory... the feeling of being imprisoned by the dates and sessions for so long. sucked into the vortex of the hospital that is so familiar, like the inside of your home.. the carpet.. the furniture.. the smell... and then being surrounded by so many breast cancer patients at different stages of treatment.. losing hair... bald.. wigs.. scarves..hats......and those like me sporting a new short hair style..... growing in..

we look at each other...checking each other out.... the way i did when i first entered with a full thick head of long hair... imaginging myself always at the stage just ahead of me.. but always noticing the “one" with hair growing back and thinking how lucky they were.. done with treatment.. have hair. and re-entering a life absent of cancer....and everything that goes with it..

But Guess what? That is NOW ME! i made it through.. i’ll always have one eye looking over my shoulder ,but i’m so grateful for the lessons learned from this experience.. a game changer for me.... understanding time is of the essence.. the Now.. the being present.. for self. for others... making that known.. my heart bigger than ever....

the tears were a cleansing... like the spring rains.. fertile ground for fresh new growth

standing still

standing still...........
one direction......... or not........i think many...... endless...

sometimes i feel frozen......like a deer in the headlights....lingering to what is known.....comfortable.....secure...... standing still...... and then peering out into the darkness......the vast unknown....... possibilities beyond my immediate vision and grasp.....but there nonetheless luring me to move forward....i am ready

at this stage of my life i’m often thinking about the path i’m taking.. which way to proceed... what i need to retain.. what i can let go of... embracing always my history, values, desires, and most of all the people and loves in my life.......

but i think coming off years of personal strife...it has a way of re-ordeing things of importance....and always leading me to find the light... joy, promise, excitement....... i just want more of that...living life as fully as i can...... there will always be struggle, and upset... things to contend with that challenge you to your very core..... but the best remedy.. antidote is to live ones life well.... with purpose and meaning...stay grounded , in the present (I’ve often been too bogged down with the past, the future..the past enriches; teaches lessons, gives clarity....... the future will unfold .. it’s the present that has to happen to lead to the future.....

this soliloguy of mine reminds me of a book that i kind of sneered at in my younger day...( Passages..Gail Sheehey.1974).. of course i was only 17 yo. but now i’m approaching .. i said : approaching.. 60..ONLY JUST 59

"The Trying 20s -- The safety of home left behind, we begin trying on life's uniforms and possible partners in search of the perfect fit. 

The Catch 30s -- illusions shaken, it's time to make, break, or deepen life commitments. 

The Forlorn 40s -- Dangerous years when the dreams of youth demand reassessment, men and women switch characteristics, sexual panic is common,

but the greatest opportunity for self-discovery awaits. The REFRESHED (or Resigned) 50s --BEST OF LIFE FOR THOSE WHO LET GO OF OLD ROLES AND FINE A RENEWAL OF PURPOSE

I’m not sneering now!

forward march!

staying present

first children to stay at my air b n b ........ ellie shows me all she has learned at dance camp.... the joys and magic of a life in every single moment..... adults are more global...... i think we have a lot to learn by looking back....... staying present

best place to cool down from summer heat

during the brutal heat of a few weeks.. the best place to get cool was the movie theatre.... too hot and humid for the streets to shoot ... not a total loss i turned it on the theater itself..

in love with the land

sunday morning..... day of rest.... peace and reflection for me... easy going........ nature recently has really been so restorative for me... country drives.. wide open lands... hills.. flowers... they all look more precious and sharp to me...... i am in love with the land again...

dreaming .. on the road again

inspired by another mobile home photo today.... i can’t help but to find some of my own from this summer.... i’ve been watching them.. enchanted... covetous even....for that feeling of having a home on wheels...to be with a camera... although many are choosing little houses and trailers these days as a permanent residence

... well its been forever... as a home.... but i think often associated with “well mb they cant afford rent... or a home”...possibly the case for many.. but .. NO i think others were on to something long before it became vogue.... a simpler way... more economical....community spaces..... and for those doing it to take to the road to see this vast country... they been ahead of the rest of us for a long time........... 

not saying i want to live in one..i don’t..... but I’m taking more of a notice and interest of them everywhere.. was i less aware before? all i know is I’m drawn to them.. and i see others drawn to them.. and i wonder if there is some primal call on some level for the basics.. and fluidity that being on the road can bring..... like being on the back of a motorcycle and your hair is blowing back in the breeze.. a sense of freedom.. open road.. who knows where you will end up.....

as i get older.. ... there are some things that rise to the surface.. percolate...... a hit list of things i want to do.. try...places i want to go.... the list is grande of course..... bc the world is so far reaching...and i want to absorb and experience what is possible.. but there is the short list too... and this one is definitely on it

satisfy your thirst

put your head back... get the very last drop....satisfy your thirst ... 

angel in the grass

long ago when i first starting shooting images..... i came across what i thought was an angel in the grass... i remember at that moment the way my heart felt... thumping with excitement all those years ago.... as it does today when i really see an image that speaks to me.....

i came across this by accident after hearing the news from Nice. my stomach in knots from all the senseless killing in the world... trying to wrap my mind around the mental states of the people that choose to use brute force to work out their ideologies, prejudice, some not a fault of their own totally... bc of the lack of health care for those mentally challenged...... i think we are all saddened /hurting inside.. what effects others.. effects us all

so this image today is calming ... just laying in the grass on a spring day.... peace....... we all need some simplicity... no media frenzy.. no anger / hurt/ discourse..... just peace........... words.. actions.. no violence...