today was a day of deep reflection.. i had my second to last IV cancer treatment.. incredibly only one more to go on May 17...a day i could barely have imagined would ever come... but it has been over a year since i have been regulated by a schedule of treatments and hospital visits..... NO regrets, sadness, why me.....just deeply humbled from this whole experience.... i am indeed one of the lucky ones given a regime with the hopes of a long survival..
At the same time, this juncture is an odd space for me..a time of reckoning.. trying to make sense of everything that has happened, that i have experienced...putting all the pieces together as i try to navigate the future ... how have i changed? how do i see my todays.. tomorrows? what might i do differently.. few of us get to look at things from a new perspective after such a viable scare... the way i process my day to day... feels different.. more acceptance.. graciousness with self and others......it’s been a period of profound growth
ironically, happening simultaneously is the sale of my parents home, two years after my precious dad has passed...another big wound that i have finally been able to synthesize into my understanding of what is life...how we live.... which includes death..we learn so much about how to live.. but very little about how to die.. in fact it’s a squeamish topic most of us don’t even want to discuss. including myself at times.. i still fear death because i want to live... but i know that facing it through the ones we love who are lost and by ones own frailty brings a greater understanding of what is important... . too many lose sight of this, caught up in things that ultimately matter so little
what i know... is that we are capable of handling more than we think we can.. that while life has a funny way at times of escaping us, that it’s important we slow it all down.. we move, act too fast.. keep too busy.. limit our focus..... for me .. i just want to dream big and make as many things happen as i can.. to not be limited by fear and the unknown.. to take a few more chances.. and to love up all those i care about and to spend precious time..